Women Are Funny Get Over It Amy Shumer

When the weight of the world is beating down upon you, there ain't nothing more warming than comedy. And that's where Amy Schumer's quotes can leave us relieved, if even for a few moments.

Perhaps you got our own joke in that last sentence? After all, many of her jokes are sexual by-nature 😆 and we hope you'll love these popular sayings of hers!

1. That's the Hollywood secret: Don't put food in your dumb mouth!

Amy Schumer

2. The best advice my mother gave me was to 'be a lady.' But I never really knew what that meant, and obviously didn't take to it.

Amy Schumer

3. Thanks, everybody who has helped me. Thanks to the girl who gave me this sort of a smoky eye. I really love it.

Amy Schumer

4. You know when you're doing interviews, and the person sees someone more important behind you? It's like being at a party and there's a hotter girl behind you, and they just want you to drop dead. So I saw the reporter do that, and all the reporters were going crazy, and it was Kim and Kanye, just standing there, owning it, just being short and important. And I think falling is the funniest thing, so I just took a dive in front of them and pretended like I fell.

Amy Schumer

5. No one's ever cum on my face. That surprises a lot of people. Never caught one up top as they say in the biz.

Amy Schumer

6. Did your dick get stung by 90 bees?

Amy Schumer

7. Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone – you know, the director – she's like, 'He has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive.' And I'm like, 'Why, Kwan? That sounds awesome.' She's like, 'I'm offended because I'm Asian.' And I was just like, 'Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't even notice that. I thought you were just really tired.'

Amy Schumer

8. I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.

Amy Schumer

9. My mom told me I didn't need to shave my legs above the knee. I'm basically like Christopher Robin down there.

Amy Schumer

10. My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you'll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I'm interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.

Amy Schumer

11. At the Glamour Women of the Year Awards … Katie Couric is like, 'Oh my God, my husband is here … should I go to talk to him?' I was like, 'I don't know, Katie Couric. That's your husband. I guess?' And I look and she left her phone open to texts from him. So don't worry, I didn't do anything, except I picked it up and I just without even thinking texted him: 'I want to have anal tonight,' and I sent it.

Amy Schumer

12. You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.'

Amy Schumer

13. At the Glamour Women of the Year Awards … Katie Couric is like, 'Oh my God, my husband is here … should I go to talk to him?' I was like, 'I don't know, Katie Couric. That's your husband. I guess?' And I look and she left her phone open to texts from him. So don't worry, I didn't do anything, except I picked it up and I just without even thinking texted him: 'I want to have anal tonight,' and I sent it.

Amy Schumer

14. The difference between sex and love is I've never come from love.

Amy Schumer

15. It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.

Amy Schumer

16. You're supposed to be really excited about a big penis, but when you're faced with one, it's like a unicorn — in theory, you've always wanted to see one up close but if it were ever standing in front of you, you'd be like Fuck that and you would run. You'd be like, Oh, it's actually a horse with a weapon on its head.

Amy Schumer

17. I walked in on him masturbating. He's like, 'Are you mad?' I'm like, 'Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy shit. Does it owe you money?'

Amy Schumer

18. I get labeled a sex comic. But if a guy got up on stage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say: 'He's a thinker.'

Amy Schumer

19. For women, we're taught to eat less until we disappear. And trained to believe that if you don't look like everyone else, then you're unlovable. And men are not trained that way. Men can look like whatever and still date a supermodel. I'm proud of what I said. I think it's good to see somebody saying: I have a belly.

Amy Schumer

20. This has been an insane year for me. I made two New Year's resolutions. No. 1, I wanted to catfish someone. Did it, loved it, recommend it. And No. 2 was to this year just once take off a pair of underwear and have it not look like I blew my nose in it. Same? Same?

Amy Schumer

21. I'm sorry, were you flirting with that beer?

Amy Schumer

22. I don't try to be a feminist. I just am. It's innately inside me. I have no interest in trying to be the perfect feminist, but I do believe feminists are in good hands with me.

Amy Schumer

23. Respect the kill.

Amy Schumer

24. Thank you so much for asking. Once I realized I had more eyes and ears on me and had an influence I stopped telling jokes like that on stage. I am evolving as an artist. I am taking responsibility and hope I haven't hurt anyone. And I apologize if I did. Thanks again for asking.

Amy Schumer

25. You feel like such a dirty whore buying plan b. It is so embarrassing because it's over the counter but you have to ask you pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They're lookin' at me, I'm like, you see where my eyeliner is just give it to me.

Amy Schumer

26. If convicted, the next time you put on a rerun of The Cosby Show, you might wince a little. … We deserve to dance like no one's watching, and watch like no one's raping.

Amy Schumer

27. He was really into family… He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

Amy Schumer

28. JJ's a sweetheart. He's just missing, like, charisma, humility, and sense of humor.

Amy Schumer

29. It says Happy Birthday. Because it was your birthday. You're a supermodel, and you're dating Jake Gyllenhaal, but I am living here, and I am eating this. So good. 'You are a princess.' Yes I am. Yes we can, I am.

Amy Schumer

30. In L.A., my arms register as legs.

Amy Schumer

31. I'm not going to shut up. And I think people only want women to speak for so long. They build you up, and then they're just ready to tear you down. Like Hillary — when it's really gone time for her, I'll definitely be active, and that'll make people hate me.

Amy Schumer

32. I'd like to be the guardian of Chris Pratt's ass.

Amy Schumer

33. Hey! Just at the cemetery, thinkin' boutcha.

Amy Schumer

34. You know when you're doing interviews, and the person sees someone more important behind you? It's like being at a party and there's a hotter girl behind you, and they just want you to drop dead. So I saw the reporter do that, and all the reporters were going crazy, and it was Kim and Kanye, just standing there, owning it, just being short and important. And I think falling is the funniest thing, so I just took a dive in front of them and pretended like I fell.

Amy Schumer

35. My prince? … Turns out, I'm not really comfortable sleeping with a close relative and also, I just turned 14.

Amy Schumer

36. I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say. You will not determine my story — I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it.

Amy Schumer

37. More than anything, the story of this girl [in Trainwreck] was really important for me to tell … We're so quick to label somebody: 'She's a drunk slut, got it.' But I want to look at nature and nurture that got her there.

Amy Schumer

38. My vagina's right where it should be.

Amy Schumer

39. Hey! Just at the cemetery, thinkin' boutcha.

Amy Schumer

40. We have to be a role model for these little girls, because who do they have? All they have really is the Kardashians … And like, we used to have Khloé. Khloé was ours, right? Whenever there's a group of women, you identify with one of them … Khloé, she lost half her body weight. She lost a Kendall! We have nothing. I want good role models.

Amy Schumer

41. Make sure he knows that you're entitled to an orgasm. I like to say it. I'll be like, 'Hey, there are two people here.' I'll be like, 'Oh my God, have you met my clit?

Amy Schumer

42. This is where my poo comes out. Talkin' 'bout my fudge machine.

Amy Schumer

43. You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.'

Amy Schumer

44. A guy could be talking to two women at a party, and one is beautiful and just won the Nobel Prize in Literature, and the other is slight, just slightly hotter and, like, has an interview at H&M in the morning. And ten times out of ten, you know how that's going to go.

Amy Schumer

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